really sad

**warning this is a downer blog and will have swears**

i'm so sad. i studied and studied and studied for my math final. i met with my tutor every morning and night (on tuesday night we met for 3+ hours) and i went to math lab every day for 3-4 hours each, and then i studied on my own. yes, i studied and i felt ready for the test. i even freakin' prayed for help. dang, i never pray.

so yeah, when i went to go take my final this morning i was crying as i was taking it. the wet marks on the page are from my tears. it was so freaking hard. i couldn't get thru 10 qestions at 5 pts a pop, yeah, that's 50%. shit. it was all mulitple choice, and when i worked out my problems (and i know what i'm doing, i've only been doing math all week) and these 10 problems, my answers wasn't an option! oh gosh. i was so sad. and i still am. but then it hit me, well maybe this isn't my test (cause i took it at the drc, cause i get extra time cause of my dissability) cause she told my class that there would 3 story problems (insanely hard, and what i studied most) and there wasn't any! so i was thinking, well i know there is another section of math 1010, cause i switched out of that class cause the guy didn't speak engligh, so i was hoping it was that test. well i finish the test and then asked the girl if it was the right one, oh and my teachers test are normally waaaaaaay easier. these were trick problems and yeah. NOT good.

so i was hoping the girl at the front would say, oops, my fault, here's your real test. nope! didn't happen. i unforunately had the correct test. well, i went over to go talk to my teacher in her office and as i started to talk... tears were coming out, and i couldn't breathe cause i was crying. i was apologizing like crazy. saying, i'm really not a baby. i'm so sorry for being so emtional. i'm just gunna have to email you, cause i can't talk.

well i got home and emailed her, apologizing again for the break-down and told her with due to stress of this test (which is huge cause if i don't get a B in the class i'm kicked out of usu, and then i have all my loans to pay back, and i've been jobless for a year, so how the hell can i pay back my loans with no money?? and i explained this all in the email, minus the money part) and just the fact that i studied so dang much and how shocked i was at the impossible test, and the no sleep, well it just go to me, and i got uncontrollably emotional. i asked her that if i got a C or below if i can re-take the test or do anything so that i can get an overall B in the class so i'm not kicked out of school. i wrote the email when i got home around noon, and it's after 7 and no response.

i just don't get it. i meet with my tutor, i understand everything in class, i get 10 out of 10's on all my homeworks, never missed a homework. and i studied so damn much!!!!

as i was leaving her office i kept taking deep breaths and telling myself, "just wait until i get to the car, just wait until i get to the car, i can cry then" and i did. oh man. i cried for along time. and now 7 hours later when i think about this whole situation i start all over again.

and worst part about all this, i don't think i'm gunna find out my grade until monday. awesome, shitty weekend.

and i highly, highly doubt i can re-take the test. the semester is over. i'm sure that by the end of today she's out of here, and not coming back til fall. so i'm royally screwed.

and i would go to bed now, but my dang AC doesn't work upstairs, and of course it rained like crazy today (it hasn't rained since before i moved in here 3+ weeks ago) so it's freaking nasty humid outside, and so i can't have the windows open. and yeah. today is quite possibly the worst day, ever!